The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: Parody
by Laura Andrews
Summary: LWW, in script form. Everyone is out of character.


_A/N: This used to be a mess. There were a lot of punctuation errors, and of misspellings there were not a few. Plus it was altogether without any kind of formatting, which I blame on the old not having the copy/paste option for uploading stories. It's much easier now to format. So, I present to you The (still ridiculously crazy) Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. New look, same great story!_

_**Professor's House**_

LUCY: Let's play hide and seek.  
PETER: Alright.  
LUCY: Oh, cool, a wardrobe.  
She goes inside.  
LUCY: Groovy! A forest and a street light.

_FAUN comes up_

FAUN: Who are you?  
LUCY: I'm Lucy. What are you?  
FAUN: I'm a faun. What are you?  
LUCY: A beardless dwarf, better known as Homo Sapien. In other words, you dumb ape, a girl.  
FAUN: Oh, I get it! Cool! Will you come with me? We can have a tea party.  
LUCY: Yeah. Why not?

_**Faun's House**_

LUCY: This picture looks like you.  
FAUN: That's my dad. I'm not like him at all.  
LUCY: Why not?  
FAUN: Because I'm kidnapping you so the White Witch can have you.  
LUCY: Oh. Why?  
FAUN: Because she pays me good money.  
LUCY: Thought you were my friend. I'm leaving.  
FAUN: Wait! I decided I'll help you. Let's go.

_**Out of the wardrobe **_

LUCY: Hey, I'm back!  
PETER: Huh?  
LUCY: Come and see!  
PETER: Don't see anything, except this old closet.  
EDMUND: Don't be stupid, Lucy.

_LUCY runs out crying_

_**Nighttime **_

LUCY: Maybe I had a stupid dream.

_She takes a candle and goes to the wardrobe_

EDMUND: Lucy, you're stupid. Lucy, where are you?

_He steps in wardrobe_

EDMUND: Weird! A forest. I'm outta here.

_He hears sleigh bells_

WITCH: Stop!  
EDMUND: Huh?  
WITCH: I see you are a total idiot.  
EDMUND: Huh?  
WITCH: Come, sit on my sled. Do you want cocoa?  
EDMUND: Why not?  
WITCH: Say Your Majesty.  
EDMUND: Why?  
WITCH: Because if you don't I'll turn you to stone.  
EDMUND: OK, Your Majesty.  
WITCH: Want some Turkish Delight?  
EDMUND: I don't care.  
WITCH: I hope you enjoyed yourself. Come to my castle with your family, and I'll give you more.  
EDMUND: OK, why not?  
WITCH: Get out of the sled. Dwarf, drive on.  
EDMUND: Bye!  
LUCY: There you are. Did you have fun?  
EDMUND: No. I was looking for you. Let's go.

_**Out of wardrobe again**_

LUCY: Wake up, everyone! I went back to Narnia.  
PETER: Go back to sleep.  
LUCY: No. Wake up.  
SUSAN: Huh?  
LUCY: Ask Edmund.  
PETER: Well, Ed?  
EDMUND: Shut up.

_LUCY runs out crying_

PETER: Let's tell on her.

_**The Professor's Room**_

PETER: Lucy's being weird.  
PROFESSOR: What if she's telling the truth?  
SUSAN: Never thought of that.  
PETER: Yeah. Let's go.

_**Outside **_

PETER: Are you ready, Ed?  
EDMUND: Why not?

_PETER throws the ball, and it crashes through window_

EDMUND: Your fault!  
PETER: No, yours.  
SUSAN: Macready is coming!  
LUCY: Let's hide in the wardrobe.  
PETER: Ok.

_**Wardrobe **_

PETER: We're in Narnia. Cool.  
EDMUND: I'm gonna be sick. Let's go to the Witch's house.  
SUSAN: Nah. Let's go with Lucy.  
LUCY: Let's go see the faun.  
PETER: Why not?

_**FAUN's house again **_

LUCY: His house is torn up. No use being here.  
PETER: What now?  
LUCY: Look, a talking beaver.  
SUSAN: What if he's a bully?  
PETER: Then he'll eat us.  
EDMUND: We can kill him. He's bad. I know it.  
FIRST-BEAVER: Here's your hanky, girl.  
LUCY: Don't remember giving it to that faun.  
FIRST-BEAVER: Let's go to my house.  
PETER: Why not?

_**Beaver's house **_

FIRST-BEAVER: Let's eat.  
PETER: Why?  
FIRST-BEAVER: Fine. Starve to death.  
SECOND-BEAVER: Here's your food.  
FIRST-BEAVER: Let's go to Aslan.  
PETER: Whatever.  
SUSAN: But we're not heroes.  
EDMUND: I'm outta here.

_He leaves_

SUSAN: Where's Ed?  
FIRST-BEAVER: At the witch's house, dummy.  
PETER: Fine. Let's get to Aslan.

_**At WITCH'S house EDMUND sees statues**_

EDMUND: They must not have said _Your Majesty_. Stubborn idiots.  
WOLF: Come with me.  
EDMUND: Whatever.  
WOLF: Here's the witch.  
WITCH: Why didn't you come with your family?  
EDMUND: Didn't want to.  
WITCH: Put him in the clink clink.  
DWARF: This way for your num nums.

_**In dungeon**_

EDMUND: What are you?  
FAUN: I'm a faun.  
EDMUND: So?  
FAUN: You look like your sister.  
EDMUND: You look like an ape.

_WITCH comes in._

WITCH: Where's Aslan?  
EDMUND: At the Stone Table, I guess.  
WITCH: You're lying.  
EDMUND: Huh uh.  
WITCH: Come on, Faun.

_She takes the FAUN out._

_**Beaver's house again **_

FIRST-BEAVER: The wolves are coming. Let's go.  
PETER: Whatever.  
SECOND-BEAVER: Too bad I can't take the sewing machine.  
FIRST-BEAVER: Tough luck.  
SUSAN: Don't wanna go.  
LUCY: Me neither.  
FIRST-BEAVER: Fine, get made into supper or stones.  
PETER: Whatever.

_**They leave. Wolves burst in**_

WOLF: They aren't here.  
OTHER WOLF: Duh.

_**WITCH'S house again **_

WITCH: Get in the sled, boy.  
EDMUND: Why?  
WITCH: Cause you'll be turned to stone otherwise.  
EDMUND: Whatever.

_They drive off._

_**Outside**_

LUCY: The witch is coming.  
FIRST-BEAVER: Hide then, dummy.

_Bells heard_

FIRST-BEAVER: Come on out. It's just Santa Claus.  
LUCY: I don't believe in Santa Claus.  
SECOND-BEAVER: Fine, you don't get any presents.  
SANTA: Here's your presents. Pete, you get a sword. Su, you get a bow and horn. Lu, you get some medicine and a knife.  
LUCY: I'm not sick.  
SANTA: You might get sick. But fine, I'll take it back.  
LUCY: Here.  
SUSAN: I don't have arrows.  
SANTA: Make some. I don't have time.  
PETER: I wanna shield.  
SANTA: Ungrateful wretches.

_**The WITCH'S sled **_

WITCH: The snow is melting.  
DWARF: No duh. Aslan is here.  
WITCH: Huh uh. It's just some freak accident.  
EDMUND: They said Aslan is here.  
WITCH: I'll turn you both to stone the next time one of you talks.  
EDMUND _(in head):_ Whatever.  
_They walk away._

_**ASLAN'S camp**_

PETER: Ooo, creeps. A lion.  
FIRST-BEAVER: That's Aslan.  
PETER: I wasn't psychologically prepared for this encounter.  
SUSAN: Talk to him.  
PETER: Aslan, our kid brother went to the witch.  
ASLAN: I know.  
PETER: Rescue him.  
ASLAN: I don't have to.  
OREIUS: Kill him, Aslan.  
ASLAN: Shut up.  
OREIUS: Fine.  
ASLAN: Pete, you are all gonna be kings and queens if you help me.  
PETER: Whatever.

_Hears horn_

PETER: What's that for?  
ASLAN: A wolf is attacking her.  
PETER: So?  
ASLAN: Go kill the wolf.  
PETER: Why not?

_He kills wolf_

PETER: Pest.

_**ASLAN'S camp again **_

ASLAN: Go get their kid brother.  
OREIUS: Whatever.

_They rescue EDMUND_

ASLAN: Be nice.  
EDMUND: Fine.  
ASLAN: Say you're sorry, or you will be.  
EDMUND: Sorry.  
PETER: No you're not.  
SUSAN: Get out of my face.  
LUCY: Get some sleep. You look like a zombie.  
OREIUS: A dwarf is coming.  
ASLAN: Let the little mud man come.  
DWARF: The witch wants to talk to you.  
ASLAN: Fine.  
WITCH: I want the traitor back.  
ASLAN: He's not a traitor. He just made a few bad decisions.  
WITCH: I have to have him, or Narnia will go kablooie.  
ASLAN: Get out or I'll eat you.  
WITCH: Whatever.

_They leave the Stone Table _

ASLAN: Pete, you have to fight by yourself.  
PETER: You deserting?  
ASLAN: For a little while.  
PETER: Oh, fine.  
SUSAN: Lucy, let's follow Aslan.  
LUCY: Whatever.  
SUSAN: They killed Aslan. Now I bet you wish you had kept the medicine.  
LUCY: Huh uh.  
SUSAN: Let's tell Pete and Ed.

_They tell them_

PETER: Charge!  
SUSAN: The charge of the light brigade.  
LUCY: Doomed to disaster. Too bad we girls can't fight. We'd whoop 'em.  
SUSAN: Huh uh.  
LUCY: Uh huh.  
SUSAN: Aslan's back.  
LUCY: Let's ride him.  
SUSAN: Whatever.  
ASLAN: Witch, I said I'd eat you.

_He eats WITCH_

ASLAN: Let's go crown you guys.  
PETER: Whatever.

_**At Castle **_

ASLAN: I crown you kings and queens.  
PETER: So?  
ASLAN: Act your age.  
EDMUND: Thought this was something special. Where's the beer?  
SUSAN: Gross.  
LUCY: I want to see the faun.  
ASLAN: Forgot about him. He's still a statue. Too late. Too bad, so sad.  
LUCY: I'm gonna cry.

_She does_

_**The Forest Again **_

LUCY: See the streetlight?  
EDMUND: Uh huh. So?  
PETER: Thick skull. We get to get out of the wardrobe finally.  
SUSAN: Yes!

_**Proffesor's Room Again **_

PETER: Sorry, but we lost your coats.  
PROFESSOR: So?  
SUSAN: You believe us?  
PROFESSOR: Duh.

_**THE END**_

_A/N: Yes, I know, it totally sounds like something a sixteen year old would write. Maybe because that's about how old I was at the time :) I didn't want to delete it because … I'm a pack rat? Or maybe because I think parts of it are actually pretty funny. Whatever it is, I hope everyone who reads this enjoys it. And go check out some of my newer stuff; it's a lot better! I happen to think that 'The Rescue of King Gale' uses better humor, so maybe you could look at that! Thanks for reading :)_


End file.
